The day Rick made THAT comment......

Anybody who has ever had ANY encounter with a man knows that they are capable and very likely of saying something horrifying sooner or later. Rick was not the embarrassing type. At least not as far as I was concerned. Rick was definitely very full of life and he had an over the top personality, but then again, so was I, and so DID I. Before Rick had the nerve to leave me that is. He took my "full of lifeness and joy" away when he passed away.

Being that most of what Rick said was very loving to me and not the least bit horrifying, I never expected the question that came from his lips when we were relaxing in bed one night a couple of years ago. We were both reading, utilizing our relaxation after putting the baby to sleep time to the max when he turned to me and said "Baby Doll?" I kept reading as I said "hmmmm?" That was the moment when time stood still. "Who would you rather die first?" he asked. "Me or you?". I'm sure you could imagine my horror at this question. Did I marry a murderer? What the hell was he asking me? I put my book down and looked into his gorgeous hazel eyes that he used to call cesspool green and said " no question, I want to die before you. I couldn't take losing you. Why are we talking about this?". He looked at me, and very sincerely said "I hope you pass away before me too". What? Was our marriage a farce? What was he talking about? "You do?" I calmly asked. I will never forget the words that he spoke next. "I love you so much, I would NEVER want you to go through the pain of losing me. I would rather have the pain then have you suffer any pain". I laughed it off. "you're so silly! You can't get rid of me that easily!". Just like that, he picked his book back up and started reading again.

I thought it was strange, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized what incredible love he had for me. How could I be so selfish? I was so quick to say that I wanted to die first because I couldn't comprehend how much pain I would be in without him. He wanted me to die first so I would never know the pain. That was the man Rick was. He had the sweetest and purest heart, and he loved me so much.

That night has haunted me ever since Rick passed away. Did he intuitively know something? Did he not feel good and didn't want to worry me? Or was it simply something he read in his book? I'll never know. There IS something I do know unfortunately. He was right about the pain. It's horrendous. Being a widow is a burden and a curse that I will have to carry for the rest of my time here on earth. It is pain that I wish on nobody. You know what? After being in this living nightmare, I'm so glad that Rick passed on before me. Although I wish we had 50 more years before he passed, I loved and love him so much that I couldn't imagine him going through this pain. I'm thankful that he got spared, and I only hope he's prancing around heaven having the time of his afterlife.

Rest well baby doll, I love you forever......

For those of you that are interested in my "proud" moment of the day....I was a little more productive today. Did some cleaning and pulled some weeds. Hey.....it's better than sitting on the couch crying.

The wonderful world of the widowed online community

There are certain things I wish I never had to find out. There are certain things that I never, in my worst nightmares, thought I would find out. The online widowed community is definitely one of those things.

After multiple crying sessions with whoever would listen, and countless sad looks (can you blame people for not knowing what to say),I decided to reach out to people who understand. There is only one group of people who understand. Who? You might ask? The answer is the people who unfortunately are going through the same thing as you.

Now don't get me wrong, I would make a deal with the devil himself to never have to cross online paths with a single widow's group. Being that the devil deal was never presented to me, here I am. Joining group after group. Horrified at the amount of young widows that are out there. Grieving with them and for them. Reading stories I wish I never read. There are widows who's husbands died along with their children in car accidents (I would NEVER be able to live through that) Widows who's spouses committed suicide, widows in their twenties. Of course there are widowers too, I am not forgetting them. The majority of the people I have come across are widows. I think woman for the most part have an easier time sharing their feelings than men.

Does it make me feel better that so many people are going through similar heartache? Absolutely not. I'm devastated for these wonderful, strong women. Am I glad that they started groups for the likes of me? Absolutely. You see, countless well meaning people have asked me if I'm going to grief counceling. No, I'm not going to grief counceling. My child has forty hours a week of therapy. I may be overweight, but there are not two of me. My time is dedicated to my son. However, when he is in therapy, I can go online and get the best support there is.

I felt that I had to dedicate tonight to these wonderful, mostly faceless women and men who I have cried with, screamed with, prayed with, and shared countless virtual hugs with. We all know we can say anything to each other. We can curse, vent, share very sick humor that I wouldn't have found funny 3 months and 8 days ago, and cry A LOT and we will always be there for each other.

Tonight is dedicated to a group of online "strangers" who have helped me more than they know, and if I have to be a widow, and apparently I do, I am proud to be a part of these wonderful people. I only hope someday I can help somebody as much as the online widowed community has helped me.

For my "proud" moment of the day. It took a lot of guts for me to reach out to people I didn't know, and ask for support. Yay me.

Oooooops!

Okay. My good friend just called me out on forgetting to put a positive "thing of the day" on my blog today. I started my diet again on Monday. As of today I am down 10 1/2 pounds from Monday. I am over 40 pounds down from January 1st. More to come about my food problem and how hard it is not to emotionally eat at this point in my life. Yay me.

Our Winkaversary.........

I met Rick on match.com. I did not want to go back to match. I just broke up with a huge dud of a man right before valentines day of 2006. It seemed like not only was I not meant to have a valentine on valentines day, I wasn't meant to have love in my life. At 30 years old, I wondered if I was destined to be alone forever. Was I ever going to find love? Was I going to be blessed enough to be a mother? I was growing doubtful. My mom assured me that I was being ridiculous. Of course I will have my happy ending. She forced me to go out with friends when I didn't feel like going to another bar or club. The one thing she couldn't get me to do was go back on match.com. I had really had it with everybody on there. I still had an account that was pre-paid for a couple more months. Little did I know, she was signing on as me and looking for my perfect guy.

I got home from work one day exhausted as usual and mom looked excited. I found you a really nice guy. I rolled my eyes. She said just look at his profile. Okay, fine. Mom, you know I don't want to date anybody who lives in Minneapolis. She told me that was no big deal. Then I noticed his screen name. MNbeancounter. Wait a minute......what does he do for a living? Ugh! He's an accountant. Mom! Accountants have no personalities! Again, she told me to just read his profile. Okay, whatever. I sat down, too exhausted to argue, and read. He DID sound really nice. Okay, here goes, we will see what happens. I grabbed the mouse and pressed the "send a wink" button. It was March 9, 2006. Rick would call this date our Winkaversary. He always thanked me for winking at him. Every Winkaversary, the first thing he would do in the morning is give me a big wink and a little gift or a card. You know the jokes on how guys never remember anniversaries or birthdays? Not Rick. He remembered our important dates more than I did.

I never did tell Rick the story of my mom finding him for me. He was so happy that I found him and reached out to him. Why burst his bubble? I knew I would tell him one day. I figured when we were old and cute and watching our grandchildren play in our yard, I would tell him and we would laugh about it together. That was a huge mistake on my part. Assuming that we were going to grow old together. Assuming that we had a lifetime. Baby doll, if you can somehow see this blog, or know my thoughts. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that it was my mom that found you for me. I'm sorry I stupidly took it for granted that we would grow old together. Most of all, I'm sorry that we will not grow old together. That for some unknown reason, you were stolen away from me. I mourn the loss of a daddy that Lucas will never have again in the physical sense. I pray that you have the ability in your new life to watch over Lucas and I and keep us safe.

I will remember March 9, 2006 as one of the very best days of my life. The day destiny brought us together. Our Winkaversary.

Dino Nugget Hunting

So it's the start of another weekend, and once again I feel like I got stabbed in the heart.  The pain is worst during the week at night, when Rick should be home from work, but I am supposed to wake up with him on Saturdays.  Damnit!  When exactly does the pain go away and happiness start to creep back in?  Right now I feel as if the answer is never.  Don't get me wrong, I have had some laughs.  I have had a little "joy".  I feel irrational.  I feel that if I put on makeup, somehow I am betraying Rick.  It's really hard to explain.  Any effort I made to look good was for him.  Every morning, and it's been over three months now, I wake up and the first thing I do is look at my right hand.  Please let his wedding band not be there.....please let his wedding band not be there.  If it's there, it means that this has not all been some terrible nightmare that I am finally waking up from, but it's always there.  It's very presence on my finger and not his means that I get to live another day as a tortured soul.  Ok.....I went off on a tangent.  This is not what todays blog is about.  BTW-Em, this is for you!

Do any of you have a private extremely silly thing that you do with your spouse?  Something that is funny and nauseatingly cute, but nobody in the world would understand?  Well me and Rick did.  We Dino Nugget Hunted.  I hear you guys saying what the hell is that???  It was OUR thing.  One day, several years ago, we were in Sam's Club.  Before we got married, before we got engaged.  We were still in our gushy, get a room kind of phase.  We were doing some grocery shopping with my mom, and as we walked along the endless row of freezers, Rick looked at me and said "since when do they have dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets"  We were obviously not parents at the time.  I said "I don't know, but they're cute."  Let me explain something to you.  Rick was a very practical person.  For everyone that knows me, we were extreme opposites, but it worked in every way.  He stood back and let me shine with my fancy nails and Swarovski crystals and I loved every minute of it.  He loved every minute of it.  He didn't understand it, but that is neither here nor there.  Being the practical person that he was, he didn't understand why there was a need for dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.  He told me that his family got along just fine on regular round chicken nuggets.  I told him I don't remember eating chicken nuggets as a child.  He then told me that he has to remedy that.  But because these were special chicken nuggets-they were Dinosaur nuggets-they couldn't just be bought, they had to be hunted.  I said oooohh....Okay.  The next thing you know, Rick was off through the isles of Sam's Club in a T-Rex stance "Dino Nugget Hunting".  Now, some of you may roll your eyes.  Some of you may think that this is the stupidest story you ever read.  The only thing I can tell you, is that you had to be there.  It was hilarious.  I quickly joined him in his "hunt".  No need for him to look like a fool alone.  And we Dino Nugget Hunted all through Sam's Club.  From that day forward, everytime we got seperated, no matter where we were, We Dino Nugget Hunted until we found each other.  It never got old.  We thought it was hilarious.  We even Dino Nugget Hunted at our wedding.

I miss Dino Nugget Hunting with Rick.  It was OUR little thing.  We brought out the silly in each other.  We made each other extrememly happy.  If you guys don't have your own little thing with your significant others, create one.  You may feel SO ridiculous, but I promise you will feel great at the same time.  I used to think about and participate in Dino Nugget Hunting with such joy.  Right now, the very thought of it brings me to tears, but I have hope.  My hope is one day I can laugh about it again.  One day I will remember how good it feels to be silly and goofy for no reason at all.  One day, I will remember how in love we were with a smile and not tears.  One day.......

For my good friend who wants me to write something I am proud of everyday, I am proud of myself for starting this blog.  It may seem insignificant to some who read it, but for me it is raw, truthful, heart wrenching and brave.  My hope is to one day help another young person who unfortunately needs it, even if it is just by reading my words on a blog site.

God Bless, and have a good weekend.

Good friends and their Intentions (or lack thereof....)

A very good friend told me last night that she read my first blog and that I should write at least one thing everyday that I did that I am proud of.  I love her.  She is one of the very few friends who have stuck by me through all this heartache.  In the last three months, besides grieving something terrible, I have watched most of Rick's friends and family disappear from my life and several of mine.  I don't have an answer as to why.  As I lay awake at night, I think maybe they don't want to be around somebody so depressing.  Maybe they never liked me to begin with.  Or my favorite torment...Maybe they think widowhood is contagious.  In all fairness, I lost touch with a lot of my friends after having Lucas and leaving my job.  I had a very difficult delivery which left me really sick, and even after I healed, Lucas was a full time job.  He cried all night.  He never slept.  I cried all night, I never slept.  Rick was so good during this time.  Even though he had gone back to work, he would take care of Lucas overnight in 3 hour shifts.  He would wake me when 3 hours was over, and then I would take over.  This went on for months until we figured out that he would sleep through the night if we let him sleep in his swing.  I still didn't get much sleep, but it felt good to know that Lucas was sleeping.  I asked the doctor if we were bad parents for letting him sleep all night in his swing.  She laughed at us.  As long as he is buckled in and safe, let him sleep WHEREVER he wants!  As months went by, I noticed that Lucas wasn't developing like a "normal" baby.  No pointing, no playing, he would never look when I called or screamed his name.  Long story short, My precious baby is Autistic.  This was very painful for Rick and I to hear.  In Lucas's eyes, from the time he was born, we saw all our hopes and dreams.  Okay, we can deal, but it further isolated me from my friends.  All my time was spent taking care of Lucas.  I still had my happy little family.  I missed my friends, but I was OK.  Rick was OK.  We were dealing.  So maybe that's why some of my friends never came around .  It had been a good 21/2 years since I spoke to most of them. I was crying on the phone to a very good friend who knows me since I am 10 but unfortunately lives in Brooklyn, NY which is where I am from that I hate that this is the fourth of July.  I hate holidays without Rick.  All around me parties were going on.  I wasn't invited to any of them.  I sat on the couch and cried all day picturing Rick on our deck grilling.  The two of us holding hands as we watched fireworks and all the other fun stuff that us widows like to torment ourselves with.  I told her that I felt so alone.  She told me that my true friends are the ones that are seeing me through this even if I didn't talk to them in 2 1/2 years.  As I was taking in everything she was saying, the call waiting beeped.  It was a friend of Rick's who became a friend of mine after Rick and I started dating.  He told me that he was a bad friend who really dropped the ball, because they are having a cookout and forgot to invite Lucas and I, and we should come over now.  In the background, I heard the party in full swing.  Are you kidding me?  No matter how good the intentions were of this person, it hurt me so bad.  I retreated to the couch like a wounded animal and cried some more.  Good thing Lucas was napping.  I love the thought of having a pity invitation and being somebody's second thought.  Don't get me wrong.  There are PLENTY of people who have been there for me through this entire process.  Some who have been there at the beginning, and have now given up and some who were never there to begin with.  You all know who you are.  I have made my peace over who loves me and who doesn't.  In the realm of things, I shouldn't be so sensitive over who abandoned me.  I was never a sensitive person before Rick passed away.  I don't know why I am so overly sensitive now.  The people that truly love me and care are here.  Whether it's on the phone, a Facebook post, a card at the perfect time or a visit to the house to see us.  I am more fortunate than a lot of people.  It has taken me three months to write that.  I still can't say it, because I don't feel fortunate.  In my heart, I know that I am.  I have a soul mate angel watching over us, a beautiful son, a mother and brother who are bending over backwards to take care of me and yes, some amazing friends.  Oh, to honor my friends request of writing down something good every day.  No question, my first of many is marrying Rick.  Even if I could see into the future, and know what was going to happen to him (and to me) I would have still married him.  I got almost 5 years of a man that adored me and put me on a pedastal.  5 years of amazing love that I didn't think I would ever have or deserve.  Through that love, I have a wonderful, funny, incredible little boy who is half Rick.  Rick used to look at Lucas in wonder and say that it was amazing that he had anything to do with something so perfect.  Well you know what baby doll?  You were pretty damn perfect yourself.  Rest well baby doll.  I love you!

Rest Well Baby Doll

You may wonder what signifigance this title has. From about a month into our relationship, Rick and I called each other Baby Doll. I don't remember who started it and I guess it doesn't really matter, but we NEVER called each other by our names. We were so in love. We were every cliche in the book. I used to ask Rick how it felt to be the most loved man that ever lived. He used to say amazing. There are a lot of used tos in my life now. I used to have a husband, best friend, soul mate. I used to think I was so blessed to have such an amazing man. I used to watch Rick play with our son and be so proud of our little family. That was all before April 1st, 2011. Rick was never sick. I always have some kind of cold. I remember being jealous of his immune system. When I got the call from him at lunch time that he wasn't feeling well, I figured AHA! You finally have a cold! I was wrong. I would give anything for that to have been the case. I would learn that his boss took him to a clinic who sent him to a local hospital who thought he was having a stroke and rushed him by ambulance to a trauma hospital in Minneapolis. I rushed to the hospital only to have a chaplain come in to the room they put me in. He asked if there was anything they could do for me. Yes, let me see my husband please. His last words to me on the phone were hurry, I need you. The chaplain looked at me with pity. He let me know they were feverishly trying to save Rick's life. WHAT??? I was not told that the situation was life or death. Surely God would never take Rick from Lucas and I right?? RIGHT?? Wrong. On April 3,2011 at about 3:30 in the afternoon Rick was gone. He had a massive brain stem aneurysm the likes of which the doctors never saw before "in a person of his age". Rick made it to 40 years, 7 months and 8 days old. I am 36 years old. A 36 year old widow? Is that even possible? Yes it is. When the obituary was printed in the paper on April 5, it came with one year of online guestbook posting. I never thought about doing a blog. I used the guestbook as a blog. I signed it rest well baby doll. I continue to sign it the same way with each post. I even made sure that rest well baby doll is engraved on the headstone that I lovingly picked out for the most amazing husband and father that I have ever come across. So I sign off my very first blog post with rest well baby doll. I love you and miss you more than anything.