The day Rick made THAT comment......

Anybody who has ever had ANY encounter with a man knows that they are capable and very likely of saying something horrifying sooner or later. Rick was not the embarrassing type. At least not as far as I was concerned. Rick was definitely very full of life and he had an over the top personality, but then again, so was I, and so DID I. Before Rick had the nerve to leave me that is. He took my "full of lifeness and joy" away when he passed away.

Being that most of what Rick said was very loving to me and not the least bit horrifying, I never expected the question that came from his lips when we were relaxing in bed one night a couple of years ago. We were both reading, utilizing our relaxation after putting the baby to sleep time to the max when he turned to me and said "Baby Doll?" I kept reading as I said "hmmmm?" That was the moment when time stood still. "Who would you rather die first?" he asked. "Me or you?". I'm sure you could imagine my horror at this question. Did I marry a murderer? What the hell was he asking me? I put my book down and looked into his gorgeous hazel eyes that he used to call cesspool green and said " no question, I want to die before you. I couldn't take losing you. Why are we talking about this?". He looked at me, and very sincerely said "I hope you pass away before me too". What? Was our marriage a farce? What was he talking about? "You do?" I calmly asked. I will never forget the words that he spoke next. "I love you so much, I would NEVER want you to go through the pain of losing me. I would rather have the pain then have you suffer any pain". I laughed it off. "you're so silly! You can't get rid of me that easily!". Just like that, he picked his book back up and started reading again.

I thought it was strange, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized what incredible love he had for me. How could I be so selfish? I was so quick to say that I wanted to die first because I couldn't comprehend how much pain I would be in without him. He wanted me to die first so I would never know the pain. That was the man Rick was. He had the sweetest and purest heart, and he loved me so much.

That night has haunted me ever since Rick passed away. Did he intuitively know something? Did he not feel good and didn't want to worry me? Or was it simply something he read in his book? I'll never know. There IS something I do know unfortunately. He was right about the pain. It's horrendous. Being a widow is a burden and a curse that I will have to carry for the rest of my time here on earth. It is pain that I wish on nobody. You know what? After being in this living nightmare, I'm so glad that Rick passed on before me. Although I wish we had 50 more years before he passed, I loved and love him so much that I couldn't imagine him going through this pain. I'm thankful that he got spared, and I only hope he's prancing around heaven having the time of his afterlife.

Rest well baby doll, I love you forever......

For those of you that are interested in my "proud" moment of the day....I was a little more productive today. Did some cleaning and pulled some weeds. Hey.....it's better than sitting on the couch crying.