Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) can happen in the winter or the summer.

Seasonal Affective Disorder, known as SAD.  How appropriate an acronym for a disorder that, well, makes you sad.  It's a little known disorder that makes you depressed when the seasons change.  In Minnesota, it affects people as winter roars it's inevitable roar.  Our winters are long.  Colder than most.  It's dark most of the morning and very early in the evening.

Rick suffered from SAD.  We didn't really talk about it with others, because it was mild.  Some people become severely depressed.  Rick just got a little moody.  Some doctors and scientists blame it on a vitamin D deficiency.  There are even "Happy Lamps" that throw off artificial sunlight.  When you absorb the sun, it turns to vitamin D in your body.  This is why people always have a glow about them when they are tan.  So what do you do?  Absorb that sunlight, or worry about Melanoma?  I have changed my philosophy on health. Do what you want.  When it's your time, it's your time.  Of course you can take steps to feel better about yourself, as I am doing now by dieting, but do I believe it will help me live a longer life?  No, not anymore.

I would give Rick extra attention in the late fall thru the early spring.  He was always just kind of blah.  I broke out the wittiest parts of me.  Asked my mom to babysit a bit more so we can have a couple of extra date nights.  Gave him a lot of love and a ridiculous amount of kisses.  I never understood it because I didn't have it.  Yes, winter most definitely does suck, but unless we are living in the south, it's not changing.  I hate winter, but it never made me sad.  This winter was an especially hard one for Rick.  It was extremely long and unseasonably cold and snowy.  When Rick would come home from work, even though I could see the sadness on his face, he would always seem so happy.  He LOVED being with Lucas and I.  He used to say that we were his safe haven.

I didn't understand then.  All of the winters, all of the sadness.  He would look out and say "April is right around the corner"! even if we were in November.  This year, he was especially excited for April to come.  "It's been such a LONG winter, come on April"!  On April 1st, he was excited to play an April fools joke on his boss, but way more than that, he was so excited that it was April.  Little did I know that he wouldn't even make it through half a day.  That he would go to a business luncheon and get dizzy.  That I would get a phone call telling me to "hurry, it's really bad" from his boss.  That he would pass away two days later.  He never got to see April this year.  The month he was waiting for.  The start of spring.

I now understand, because I now have SAD.  I can't handle that he never got to see the spring and summer of this year or any year ever again.  I can't handle the happy, tan, glowing people, I can't handle the flowers or the grass or anything summery.  Spring and summer will never be fun to me again.  I get to see it as long as it's God's will.  Rick doesn't get to spend it with me.  We never get to go to Irish fest or Rib fest or Uptown art fair or Farmers market or Minnesota state fair ever again.  The love of my life never got to see summer this year.  I cant wait until October.  The spring and summer suck.  They are too long with too many happy people.

I know that Rick is enjoying summer all the time in heaven now.  Not too hot, not too cold, Just perfect.  The way he was for me.  The way I hope I was for him.

Positive of the day:  Once again, I hear the therapists cheering Lucas on in Therapy.  Once again, I lived to see another day.