Dino Nugget Hunting

So it's the start of another weekend, and once again I feel like I got stabbed in the heart.  The pain is worst during the week at night, when Rick should be home from work, but I am supposed to wake up with him on Saturdays.  Damnit!  When exactly does the pain go away and happiness start to creep back in?  Right now I feel as if the answer is never.  Don't get me wrong, I have had some laughs.  I have had a little "joy".  I feel irrational.  I feel that if I put on makeup, somehow I am betraying Rick.  It's really hard to explain.  Any effort I made to look good was for him.  Every morning, and it's been over three months now, I wake up and the first thing I do is look at my right hand.  Please let his wedding band not be there.....please let his wedding band not be there.  If it's there, it means that this has not all been some terrible nightmare that I am finally waking up from, but it's always there.  It's very presence on my finger and not his means that I get to live another day as a tortured soul.  Ok.....I went off on a tangent.  This is not what todays blog is about.  BTW-Em, this is for you!

Do any of you have a private extremely silly thing that you do with your spouse?  Something that is funny and nauseatingly cute, but nobody in the world would understand?  Well me and Rick did.  We Dino Nugget Hunted.  I hear you guys saying what the hell is that???  It was OUR thing.  One day, several years ago, we were in Sam's Club.  Before we got married, before we got engaged.  We were still in our gushy, get a room kind of phase.  We were doing some grocery shopping with my mom, and as we walked along the endless row of freezers, Rick looked at me and said "since when do they have dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets"  We were obviously not parents at the time.  I said "I don't know, but they're cute."  Let me explain something to you.  Rick was a very practical person.  For everyone that knows me, we were extreme opposites, but it worked in every way.  He stood back and let me shine with my fancy nails and Swarovski crystals and I loved every minute of it.  He loved every minute of it.  He didn't understand it, but that is neither here nor there.  Being the practical person that he was, he didn't understand why there was a need for dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.  He told me that his family got along just fine on regular round chicken nuggets.  I told him I don't remember eating chicken nuggets as a child.  He then told me that he has to remedy that.  But because these were special chicken nuggets-they were Dinosaur nuggets-they couldn't just be bought, they had to be hunted.  I said oooohh....Okay.  The next thing you know, Rick was off through the isles of Sam's Club in a T-Rex stance "Dino Nugget Hunting".  Now, some of you may roll your eyes.  Some of you may think that this is the stupidest story you ever read.  The only thing I can tell you, is that you had to be there.  It was hilarious.  I quickly joined him in his "hunt".  No need for him to look like a fool alone.  And we Dino Nugget Hunted all through Sam's Club.  From that day forward, everytime we got seperated, no matter where we were, We Dino Nugget Hunted until we found each other.  It never got old.  We thought it was hilarious.  We even Dino Nugget Hunted at our wedding.

I miss Dino Nugget Hunting with Rick.  It was OUR little thing.  We brought out the silly in each other.  We made each other extrememly happy.  If you guys don't have your own little thing with your significant others, create one.  You may feel SO ridiculous, but I promise you will feel great at the same time.  I used to think about and participate in Dino Nugget Hunting with such joy.  Right now, the very thought of it brings me to tears, but I have hope.  My hope is one day I can laugh about it again.  One day I will remember how good it feels to be silly and goofy for no reason at all.  One day, I will remember how in love we were with a smile and not tears.  One day.......

For my good friend who wants me to write something I am proud of everyday, I am proud of myself for starting this blog.  It may seem insignificant to some who read it, but for me it is raw, truthful, heart wrenching and brave.  My hope is to one day help another young person who unfortunately needs it, even if it is just by reading my words on a blog site.

God Bless, and have a good weekend.