Good friends and their Intentions (or lack thereof....)

A very good friend told me last night that she read my first blog and that I should write at least one thing everyday that I did that I am proud of.  I love her.  She is one of the very few friends who have stuck by me through all this heartache.  In the last three months, besides grieving something terrible, I have watched most of Rick's friends and family disappear from my life and several of mine.  I don't have an answer as to why.  As I lay awake at night, I think maybe they don't want to be around somebody so depressing.  Maybe they never liked me to begin with.  Or my favorite torment...Maybe they think widowhood is contagious.  In all fairness, I lost touch with a lot of my friends after having Lucas and leaving my job.  I had a very difficult delivery which left me really sick, and even after I healed, Lucas was a full time job.  He cried all night.  He never slept.  I cried all night, I never slept.  Rick was so good during this time.  Even though he had gone back to work, he would take care of Lucas overnight in 3 hour shifts.  He would wake me when 3 hours was over, and then I would take over.  This went on for months until we figured out that he would sleep through the night if we let him sleep in his swing.  I still didn't get much sleep, but it felt good to know that Lucas was sleeping.  I asked the doctor if we were bad parents for letting him sleep all night in his swing.  She laughed at us.  As long as he is buckled in and safe, let him sleep WHEREVER he wants!  As months went by, I noticed that Lucas wasn't developing like a "normal" baby.  No pointing, no playing, he would never look when I called or screamed his name.  Long story short, My precious baby is Autistic.  This was very painful for Rick and I to hear.  In Lucas's eyes, from the time he was born, we saw all our hopes and dreams.  Okay, we can deal, but it further isolated me from my friends.  All my time was spent taking care of Lucas.  I still had my happy little family.  I missed my friends, but I was OK.  Rick was OK.  We were dealing.  So maybe that's why some of my friends never came around .  It had been a good 21/2 years since I spoke to most of them. I was crying on the phone to a very good friend who knows me since I am 10 but unfortunately lives in Brooklyn, NY which is where I am from that I hate that this is the fourth of July.  I hate holidays without Rick.  All around me parties were going on.  I wasn't invited to any of them.  I sat on the couch and cried all day picturing Rick on our deck grilling.  The two of us holding hands as we watched fireworks and all the other fun stuff that us widows like to torment ourselves with.  I told her that I felt so alone.  She told me that my true friends are the ones that are seeing me through this even if I didn't talk to them in 2 1/2 years.  As I was taking in everything she was saying, the call waiting beeped.  It was a friend of Rick's who became a friend of mine after Rick and I started dating.  He told me that he was a bad friend who really dropped the ball, because they are having a cookout and forgot to invite Lucas and I, and we should come over now.  In the background, I heard the party in full swing.  Are you kidding me?  No matter how good the intentions were of this person, it hurt me so bad.  I retreated to the couch like a wounded animal and cried some more.  Good thing Lucas was napping.  I love the thought of having a pity invitation and being somebody's second thought.  Don't get me wrong.  There are PLENTY of people who have been there for me through this entire process.  Some who have been there at the beginning, and have now given up and some who were never there to begin with.  You all know who you are.  I have made my peace over who loves me and who doesn't.  In the realm of things, I shouldn't be so sensitive over who abandoned me.  I was never a sensitive person before Rick passed away.  I don't know why I am so overly sensitive now.  The people that truly love me and care are here.  Whether it's on the phone, a Facebook post, a card at the perfect time or a visit to the house to see us.  I am more fortunate than a lot of people.  It has taken me three months to write that.  I still can't say it, because I don't feel fortunate.  In my heart, I know that I am.  I have a soul mate angel watching over us, a beautiful son, a mother and brother who are bending over backwards to take care of me and yes, some amazing friends.  Oh, to honor my friends request of writing down something good every day.  No question, my first of many is marrying Rick.  Even if I could see into the future, and know what was going to happen to him (and to me) I would have still married him.  I got almost 5 years of a man that adored me and put me on a pedastal.  5 years of amazing love that I didn't think I would ever have or deserve.  Through that love, I have a wonderful, funny, incredible little boy who is half Rick.  Rick used to look at Lucas in wonder and say that it was amazing that he had anything to do with something so perfect.  Well you know what baby doll?  You were pretty damn perfect yourself.  Rest well baby doll.  I love you!